We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
