I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
