Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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