I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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