He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
