oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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