Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
