i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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