I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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