If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
