Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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