I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
