At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
