Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
