Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
