I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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