Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
