I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
