new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
