Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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