the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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