my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
