I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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