i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
