you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
