apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
