if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
