my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
