he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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