I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
