I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Soap is not a condiment
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
