I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need to wash the frat house off of me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
