Well douche your snatch and let's go!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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