I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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