you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
there is glitter all over my balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
