Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
