she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
