I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
