my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can't put those talents on a resume
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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