Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
