i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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