She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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