im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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