Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
