there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
