the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
