My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
