My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
