Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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