I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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