U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
