Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
