so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
