The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
