I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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