just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
