you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
