I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
