He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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