apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Damn victory sex feels great
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
